


Mauerbauertraurigkeit

by my_dearest_laurens_the_war_is_over



Series: Ham OneShots [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Comfort/Angst, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, especially alex, he also dissociates a lot, his friends just want to help, its sad, john has bpd, oh boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7537738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_dearest_laurens_the_war_is_over/pseuds/my_dearest_laurens_the_war_is_over
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mauerbauertraurigkeit: n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social taste-buds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mauerbauertraurigkeit

John, Alex, Hercules, and Lafayette sat in a small cafe, making idle conversation about their day and how their classes were going. Well, three of them were. John sat with his hands wrapped around his cup of tea, looking at nothing in particular. His mind ran a mile a minute, blocking out any outside conversation. He absentmindedly sipped his tea, slowly being consumed by his mind.  
“Earth to John Laurens.” Alex waved his hand in front of John’s face, a small frown on his lips. John blinked a couple times, turning to face his boyfriend with a bemused expression.  
“Hmm?” Alex let out a small chuckle.  
“You haven’t talked for a while. Usually you have something to say whether it be a stupid joke or some inspirational shit that makes everyone feel like they can conquer the world. You feeling okay?” John rolled his eyes and gave a sharp nod.  
“You sure dude, you seem a little,” Hercules paused,”I don’t know, out of it, I guess.”  
“Yeah, I’m fine, just thinkin.” John said, slouching in his seat. Lafayette gave him a questioning glance. John let out an exasperated sigh, standing from his seat.  
“Whatever, I have work to do.” John slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out of the cafe. Alex sighed taking a gulp of his coffee.  
“You think he’ll be alright?” Hercules asked to no one in particular.  
“I do not know,” Lafayette answered,”But I hope our John does not do something rash.” Alexander shudder at the thought, forcing himself to stay in his seat.  
“He probably just needs some space.” Alex said. Lafayette and Hercules nodded; the three hoped John was okay.

John was in one of his afternoon classes, the professor’s lecture nothing more than background noise as John was in his mind. Thoughts hit him one after another. They poured into his mind, drowning him in negativity and dread. John started to subconsciously rock back and forth. The class started to become louder, pulling him out of his thoughts momentarily. He let out a shaky breath and looked around. The class was starting to leave the classroom. John quickly got up and followed the rest of his class out the door. He went back to dissociating as he walked back to his dorm room, thoughts bombarding him with self-pity, soon followed by self-hate. His eyes were unfocused and his head was bent down as he walked. He walked like this for a bit longer before bumping into someone. John’s head shot up to look at the person he ran into. In front of him stood none other than Elizabeth Schuyler.  
“Shit, sorry ‘Liza,” John apologized,”I wasn’t watching where I was going.”  
“Oh, it’s fine,” Eliza waved of his apology,”I’m fine. You, on the other hand don’t look so good. Are you feeling okay.” John rolled his eyes. Why was everybody so worried about him?  
“I’m fine, just a long day,” John said,”I’ll talk to you later.” Eliza nodded with a small smile and they parted ways.  
John finally made it to his dorm room and breathed out a sigh of relief, his roommate wasn't in the room. He set down his bag by his bed and hopped onto his mattress, curling into the fetal position. He felt exhausted, even though he hadn’t done much. Once again he found himself lost in his thoughts. Why was everyone so worried about him today? They usually just brush it off. They understand what dissociating is, Alex will do it to. Not to the extent John does, but still. They probably saw him as weak. It wouldn’t be the first time. John curled in on himself further. They probably think he’s useless. That he can’t even take care of himself. They only felt sorry for him. That’s the only reason he had any friends. They all pitied him. That’s the only reason Alex dated him. Hell they wouldn’t even cared if he died. He could easily jump off this building, and nobody would care. Some people would probably even be relieved.  
John sat up and looked around his room. Alex had taken away anything metal and sharp that John had, after he found the cuts on John’s stomach. John cursed himself for letting Alex be so worried. That’s all he ever seemed to do. Make people worry. John gnawed on his bottom lip, thinking of something to distract him from his negative thoughts. The dorm door burst open and Alexander, Lafayette, Hercules, and Eliza walked in. John sighed, not wanting to be around people, much preferring his thoughts.  
“Hey John, how were classes?” Alex walked over to John’s bed and plopped himself next to John.  
“They were fine, now can you leave?” John said, maybe a little too harshly.  
“John, we’re just worried.” Hercules said cautiously.  
“Oui, Laurens, nous sommes très inquiets.” Lafayette said with a nod.  
“You don’t need to be.” John responded and crossed his arms over his chest.  
“John, please let us help, we only want what’s best for you.” Eliza spoke gently, a small frown played on her lips.  
“I don’t need help.” John spat, getting angry.  
“Mon ami, ple-”  
“Va te faire foutre.” John interrupted.  
“Mi amor-”  
“Vete.”  
“John Laurens-”  
“Please just leave me ALONE!” John yelled, sick of arguing with everyone. Everybody looked at John in surprise. John was never one to yell, especially at people he cared about. He brought his knees up to his chest. Hercules, Eliza, and Lafayette left the dorm, seeing that John needed his privacy. Alex, on the other hand, stayed sitting next to John on his bed.  
“John, honey, please, I’m really starting to worry. I understand that you want time alone, but I can’t just leave you when you’re obviously hurting.” Alex placed a hand on John’s knee.  
“Why do you guys care so much.” John’s voice was barely above a whisper.  
“Because, John, we’re your friends, and we want you to know we’ll always be there when you need us.” Alex’s voice was soft and slow, very different from his usual tone and speed, always speaking for everyone to hear and talking as if he needs to jam fifty words into one sentence.  
“But what happens when you won’t be?” John’s voice broke near the end of the question, tears streaming down his face.  
“That won’t happen,” Alex reassured, grabbing John’s hand in his own,”I promise.”  
“Alex, you know not to make promises you can’t keep.” John said, removing his hand from Alex’s. He covered his face with both of his hands.  
“Please don’t get my hopes up. I love all of you guys but I’ve learned enough times that just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’ll always be there for you. I just want to end it. That’ll solve so many problems, Alex, I just want to throw myself from the roof, put a bullet through my head, something! God, Alex, I’m so sorry. Why do you guys even put up with me…” John was sobbing into his hands, his whole body shaking. Alex lowered John’s hands from his face. Alex sported tears of his own.  
“My dearest, you don’t realize just how much we all love you. You are such an amazing human being. You’ve brought so much light to my life,” Alex cupped John’s face with his hands,”Without you, I probably would have died by now. You always know how to get me to take a break. You always have the right words to say. You’ve shown me so much love, I’m almost overwhelmed. Every time you smile, it’s like I’m staring at the moon, as it brings light in my darkest times. And your freckles the constellations that I never tire of looking at. My dearest Laurens you would only cause sadness and loneliness if you were to die.” Alex gave him a watery smile. John brought him into a hug, crying into his shoulder. Alex rubbed circles into John’s back, whispering soft ‘it’s okays’ and ‘i’m not going anywheres’ in his ear. After awhile of sitting there, wrapped up in each other’s embrace, John pulled away and looked at Alexander.  
“I’m sorry, Alexander, I just-”  
“It’s okay, John, I understand.” Alex interrupted, placing a small kiss on John’s nose.  
“Thank you.” John murmured.  
“Anything for you, my dear Laurens.” Alex softly pulled John in for a kiss. The kiss was sweet, filled with love, hope, and promises. They both smiled into the kiss, enjoying just being there with each other, sharing each other’s love. John pulled away with reluctance, grabbing Alex’s hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over his knuckles.  
“I love you, my Alexander.” John brought his hands up to his lips and softly kissed his boyfriend’s knuckles.  
“I love you, too, my dear Laurens.”

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fic on ao3 and i hope you liked it! the title is actually one of the words from the dictionary of obscure sorrows (i would recommend looking at some of the words, they're really interesting). kudos and comments would be appreciated.  
> French translations (they are from google translate i apologize if anything is wrong)  
> nous sommes très inquiets: we are very worried  
> Va te faire foutre: fuck off  
> Spanish translations  
> mi amor: my love  
> vete: go away


End file.
